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Lady Lazarus
by Sylvia Plath

I have done it again.
One year in every ten
I manage it--

A sort of walking miracle, my skin
Bright as a Nazi lampshade,
My right foot

A paperweight,
My face featureless, fine
Jew linen.

Peel off the napkin
O my enemy.
Do I terrify?--

The nose, the eye pits, the full set of teeth?
The sour breath
Will vanish in a day.

Soon, soon the flesh
The grave cave ate will be
At home on me

And I a smiling woman.
I am only thirty.
And like the cat I have nine times to die.

This is Number Three.
What a trash
To annihilate each decade.

What a million filaments.
The peanut-crunching crowd
Shoves in to see

Them unwrap me hand and foot--
The big strip tease.
Gentlemen, ladies

These are my hands
My knees.
I may be skin and bone,

Nevertheless, I am the same, identical woman.
The first time it happened I was ten.
It was an accident.

The second time I meant
To last it out and not come back at all.
I rocked shut

As a seashell.
They had to call and call
And pick the worms off me like sticky pearls.

Is an art, like everything else.
I do it exceptionally well.

I do it so it feels like hell.
I do it so it feels real.
I guess you could say I've a call.

It's easy enough to do it in a cell.
It's easy enough to do it and stay put.
It's the theatrical

Comeback in broad day
To the same place, the same face, the same brute
Amused shout:

'A miracle!'
That knocks me out.
There is a charge

For the eyeing of my scars, there is a charge
For the hearing of my heart--
It really goes.

And there is a charge, a very large charge
For a word or a touch
Or a bit of blood

Or a piece of my hair or my clothes.
So, so, Herr Doktor.
So, Herr Enemy.

I am your opus,
I am your valuable,
The pure gold baby

That melts to a shriek.
I turn and burn.
Do not think I underestimate your great concern.

Ash, ash--
You poke and stir.
Flesh, bone, there is nothing there--

A cake of soap,
A wedding ring,
A gold filling.

Herr god, Herr Lucifer

Out of the ash
I rise with my red hair
And I eat men like air.
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ok so i move to bfe, fall in luv with sleep, decide to start making up for lost time with my dad, and realize that my mom
never loved me anyway

what kind of person can excuse the decisions she has made
over the last 17 years of her life???

raped her??? he raped her??? bull shit.

killed my sisters dog?? killed her dog?? more bull shit.

when i went to stay with andrew last weekend to go to military ball, i didnt tell her i was gonna be in town
i figured it was better that she didnt know.
so, sunday rolls around, and i decide, hey? what the heck? lets go and get the rest of MY crap, lets go get MY JOURNALS MY CDS MY JEWELRY MY INSENCE ALL MY SHIT. THAT SHE feels like she can just go through like its no big fin deal. ok.

so i go to moms house, go in the living room, and she just starin at me like im crazy, after all she did try to have me committed so i guess the stare suited her approach to me. but anyhow, so im in the living room, and i just say, "hey, getting the rest of my stuff.." and i start packing. so dad waits outside with bobby while i bring stuff to the car in pillowcases that i already had, cuz she claims not to have any trash bags.. ofcourse. she comes in my old room and throws papers in my face and says, "HERE! SINCE YOU THINK IM JUST A LIAR!" AND WALKS OUT. SO i said, "OH, OK, SO THIS MUST BE FROM WHEN DAD SUPPOSEDLY RAPED YOU RIGHT??" SHE says nothing back.. only waddles to her recliner to watch more reality tv and to continue sulking in her loss of motherhood. i feel no guilt.

she has denied any understanding.
she says ive broken her heart.
she broke mine first.
she has never loved me.
she has lied to me for 17 years.
she has robbed me of my father.
she has forced me into fear of my brother, trey. and now.
now she wants remors4e?????

she will probably get online tonigt, read all of this, print it off and send it to a shrink who she will pay to tell her im fucked up and neeed pills.

and she will prbably call my dad tomorrow and tell him that i need therepy.

and i will probably hate her for the rest of eternity

and she will probably never know how much id rather not

but that's how it is, isn't it?

thats how she wants it, is it?

thats the beauty of life, right?

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here's my myspace url for those of you who care:


and if that doesnt work just search for "kellie gann" (haha) in the myspace friend finder.

i love scott so much.
he didnt go for the tshirt idea.
~~~need ideas~~~ ***thinks really hard*** ???????????????????

i just ate a big box of cheddar rice stuff ALL BY MYSELF!!! im gonna get chubby. lol.

why does it seem like the thoughts i regergetate here in this live journal are read by NO ONE??? why do i feel like it serves no point anymore?? is it because there is no point to begin with? because all this is is REGERGETATION OF POINTLESS THOUGHTS AND IDEAS?? I THINK I HATE BLOGGING. i think this could be the last time i blog for a while. at least until something insane happens, in which much thought will demand regergetation.

so remember this one thing from all my blogging, before you go:


i feel so::
sick sick
my jam::
jeff buckley- last goodbye
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cameron went missing today!!! lexi called me freakin out cuz his parents said he was suppose to be at the best buddies meeting but he didnt go and now they couldnt find him and so that made me freak out!!!!! AAAHHHHHHH!!!!!! so i got worried, cuz he doesnt understand that much, and what if something really bad had happened? would bb be liable?? so anyway, they found him a little while ago. wheewww!!! big relief!

i had my DONT RUN AWAY PROGRAM training today. i asked kristina to be the president of this club and just let me do somethin easy like treasurer!! she was more than happy to take that off my hands lol. so yay!! less stress! but i love the program so much!! i cant wait to finish getting all of our equipment in and start goin to middle schools to present!!! maybe we can keep someone from running away and turning to the streets. maybe our presentation will show them that there are better ways to get rid of abusive situations. i really really hope so. i cant wait to get out there and talk to the kids. i really wanna go to AMS too cuz izzy goes there, and it'd be a cool excuse to hang out with her!!

im so excited about saturday!!!! PT ALL THE WAY!!!!! YESSS!!!! im so glad msg lang threw out that "active roster" rule!!!! now i can laugh in the competitors faces knowing that Humble's going to kick some serious ass!!!!!! SUPERSWEET!!!!!!

so if any of your girls wanna help female pt on saturday PLEASE COME TO PRACTICE TOMORROW!!!! you dont have to be on the team or even do all the events (PT/run dodge jump/ o course)which means you dont have to be super hard core pt chick with a 7 minute mile and 300 push ups. i just need enough girls there WITH ENOUGH SPIRIT TO LEAD US TO VICTORY!!!! as the care bares always said "WHERE THERE'S A WILL, THERE'S A WAY!!!"

well if any of you are interested in joining the Dont Run Away Program, let me know, it's open to ANYBODY (kids, parents, students from any kind of class, EVEN MINORITIES)!!! its not a stressful program so give it some thought.

i love all of you with all of my heart!!!
so take care and God bless!!!
i feel so::
excited excited
my jam::
heart-CRAZY ON YOU!!-dedicated to msg lang!!
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BEAUTY is in everything.
i feel so::
**so in love**
my jam::
jeff buckley- last goodbye
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yeah so pt kicked ass today. i really feel like im doing so much better now. its not really scary anymore. doing platoon pt, i mean.

so madre is out of town agian. im spose to stay at janies saturday, so we'll see how that goes.. it'll be hard to supress my sexual urges toward her. ooooooooo lol


so i love you all.

your the bestest friends in the world. im learning how to knit. its funny. im going to church to night. hopefully melody can go. well i g2g



i feel so::
my jam::
lost in translation soundtrack
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So Ash starts law school in January!!!!! im so proud of my big sis!!! she's gonna be a lawyer!!!

im in a good mood right now. i feel so creative for some reason. maybe i'll paint a picture for a certain someone for xmas. im trying to get my mom on the biggest loser show on nbc. maybe she'll do it for money. i already downloaded the application. hope it works. hope she gets healthy.

i just ate SOOOOOOO MUCH maceroni and cheese!!!!

"want you smothered want you covered like my waffle house hashbrowns"

can anybody guess what song that's from??

i MISS ScOtT!!!!!!!


and i think i want heather k to go to my/andyroo's bday party!!!


ohhhhh!!!! how much is that doggy in the window?? the one wtih the waggly tail?? how much is that doggy in the window? please tell me that cutie's for sale!! <<<kellie wants a puppy for xmas>>>

AHHHH forgot to go switch the laundry!!!  gotta go!!


love you all from the depths of my heart!!!


i feel so::
creative happy go lucky!!!
my jam::
"berm pshicka berwerm"
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graffiti work day was like melted ice cream. only a fourth of the staff came. am i a bad editor-in-chief?

trey is everywhere now. am i ready? i don't know. am i selfish for this? i think.

i worry about andy roo. he could do so much better. but he doesn't get it. guys=dumb

i miss my mikeroni. we never see eachother anymore. he's always grounded. i feel like they've stolen him away from me. randall + desperate housewife with pearls = dumb

scott is golfing. i hope he atleast beats micheal.

"All Alone"

Icy chills round your heart
A heart that's made of stone
It seems like
Life is out to get you
To destroy what you want
I know that, that you blame me for all that you go through
It could be, so different if you would just let it go

You're all alone
Running out of ways to
Hold on to hope
And it always slips away
You're all alone
But you don't have to
Pretend to cope
There is a brighter way

If you would change your perspective
You'd see that it is true
Life is not always what you want
Sometimes it's hard to bear
I'd be with you, and help you in all that you go through
I love you, let Me change your heart by coming in

You're all alone
Running out of ways to
Hold on to hope
And it always slips away
You're all alone
But you don't have to
Pretend to cope
There is a brighter way

good song eh?

i miss erica and carolina.
and im gonna go watch the passion now.

i feel so::
happy go lucky!!!
my jam::
eh-oh-lets go!!
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what else is new?

i hope he does good at bastrop

maw maws buyin me warm boots for xmas. i wonder if she'll pick the pink ones in the magazine.

i think im falling for pink again.

i see dad tomorrow. he's takin me to the naval academy seminar in houston. im exited. i miss him and im so glad he's getting involved in my dreams. i never really thought it would happen.

im watching a movie on lifetime movie network called "she's too young" about a 9th grader who got siphallis from oral. its so sad. silly kids, they dont know what they get themselves into.

i feel funny cuz i can remember doing stuff just as stupid just a couple years ago. WEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!

well im gonna go and sleep now.

still waiting for bill writing inspiration to strike me.
must save the victims of human trafficking!!!
ive got alot of printed info, including names and numbers and addresses of who to contact (ted poe-us, sigma huda-united nations special repoteaur of bangladesh). if only i knew exactly what to do next. i need someone who's done this before, or knows the system. IF YOUR OUT THERE, CALL ME!!!! 832 814 3243!! MUST SAVE VICTIMS!! MUST CHANGE CORRUPTED FOREIGN GOVERNMENTS!!! MUST SPEAK UP FOR THOSE WHO CANNOT SPEAK (IN ENGLISH) FOR THEMSELF!!!

God loves you.

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"liberty is useless here" according to the random guy on this random tv show. i wonder where he is. i wish i could stop human trafficking. i want to make a differance. i want to save the >5 million kids and teens who are trapped in the sex slave trade in so many corrupted countries. corrupted- i cant stand the thought of that word. its so sad. if a government is corrupt, the people have no freedom or choices. it all becomes a game to those in charge, the people being insignificant pawns (sp?). THE CORRUPTION MUST END!!! SAVE THE CHILDREN!!! SAVE THE GIRLS AND BOYS BEING RAPED >10 TIMES A DAY!!!!!!! can no one back me up? can no one lend me a hand? can no one point me in the right direction? i want to change things. i dont want to do it alone!!! somebody out there, someone with enough compassion and heart, somebody please consider joining me in my cause. THIS IS THE LAND OF THE FREE!!! so lets spread the freedom!!! im going to start researching right now on how to do this. so if you wanna help, let me know.
i feel so::
creative SAVE THE KIDS!!
my jam::
yay!! comercial theme songs!!
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